Example surgical consent in 1953:
Patient: “My stomach hurts”
Surgeon: “We need to operate”
Patient: “What is wrong with me, doc?”
Surgeon: “Let me worry about that”
[Surgeon exits stage left with God’s speed]
Example surgical consent in 2022:
Patient: “My choledocolithiasis needs surgical
attention, provider; after our interview I will decide whether I will ask you
to operate. Isn’t that right, honey? [patient looks to wife bearing an iPad
replete with browser open to WebMD and WebMonkey survey tool along with being
logged into MyAndOnlyMyChart electronic record]”
Surgeon: “[now seated in prostrated stance, chin
down, palms up, eyes submissively fixed upward meeting patient’s gaze, as
proscribed by section 234223 a.2. of PillarHealth encounter policy] I am so
grateful to be considered as a prospective surgeon to assist you with treating
your medical problem. I am extremely sorry for the 232 page consent form our
administrative assistant’s lead relations liaison assistant’s secretary sent
you. Our senior patient relations ombudsman’s associate concierge would be
happy to translate any and all of the particulars. It is our great pleasure to
deliver you care of the highest order here at PillarHealth. I can only imagine
the great suffering you and your family have endured [now checks iPad for exact
script wording] these many, uh, 9, uh ,days…”
Patient: “Let’s get on with this. My time and my
organs are valuable. I’ve already completed the online history, telehealth
exam, AtHome imaging, DrawMeNow blood work and research into MY problem.
Incidently, your recommendation of a procalcitonin was both weakly supported by
the evidence and costly. I will be deducting points in your evaluation for
that.”
Surgeon: “I do sincerely apologize for that
misinterpretation of the literature. I will be sure to have my assistant’s
liaison to the concierge of financial oversight immediately remove that charge
from your account”
Patient’s wife: “I also expect to be
scrubbed into the procedure as is my option according to the accountable care
act ammendent of 2018.”
Surgeon: “Naturally, Mrs. [examine iPad EMR],
uh, Smith”
[40 minutes of discussions follow re: the impact of the proposed
GB surgery will have on the Smith’s pets and upcoming trips to Gary, Indiana
and South Bend and the emotional consequences for their two 3-year old twin
granddaughters who are dealing with PTSD of childhood due to
Daycare-Missed-Snack syndrome (DMSS)]
Patient: “Thank you for your time, provider. We
will get back to you.”
Surgeon: “ Please consider giving me 10’s in all
categories on the WebMonkey survey our Associate Accountable Care
Organizational Survey Specialist will send you!”
[surgeon departs according to PillarHealth
patient-family-centered-subservience policy with 45 degree genuflected torso, 5
degree head bowing and appropriate extreme deferential posturing]
