Annual Death Panel Meeting

Roaring, Alabama - The buzz is palpable. The recent attention toward the Death Panel topic is livening the atmosphere at the 3rd annual convention of the National Academy of Death Panels (NADP).

"Hey, we'll take it!" Beamed a purple arm band wearing Sally Gruntbear, of Pekola, Nebraska (112 Henry Ave, Apt D; beware of dog; security code alpha-23-omega). "Good press or bad; we are finally on the map!" The purple arm band is the national symbol for Death Panel Solidarity, according to members attending the conference.

Boasting a membership of 23 the fledgling NADP was founded by Dr. David Orwell in 2003. "Back when we started this thing, no one cared about Death Panels," reflected Dr. Orwell. "Now it's the talk of the town." The organization is presently preparing to publish the Journal of Death (JOD), a peer-reviewed scholarly journal dedicated to the topic of state-sponsored euthanasia.

"This is a timely topic," explained a smiling Dr. Orwell. "People are aging every day and we need to do something with all of them. We cannot turn back the clock; we need to consider other options."

According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), the average American is aging one day at a time. It is now predicted that by 2025 more than 93% of citizens currently living in the US will be older or deceased. If the NADP has its way we will realize the latter.

"There is a cure for aging," said Greg Yuileaster, a native of Roaring, and Treasurer of NAPD's Alabama chapter, "people just don't realize it. We can stop anyone from aging at any time using treatments already on the market today." And the future seems bright for even newer options.

Eversleep is a medication now being touted by the NAPD as a new option for elderly patients. The landmark article on the safety and efficacy of Eversleep will in fact be the topic of the first article published in the soon to be launched JOD. In stage III trials, Eversleep resulted in 53% faster onset of death than placebo.

In the increasingly popular alternative medicine field, the new herbal remedy, Grammabegone, also is selling "like hotcakes", according to Yolanda Underfunt, publicist of Newly Organics, a natural remedy company based in Flatus, New York.

"If we don't deathicate, " Dr. Orwell's preferred term for 'euthanize', "patients they may live to regret it. There is hope."

The NADP estimates that we "waste" anywhere from 150 dollars and $223.49 billion on unneeded treatments of older patients each year in the US. Monies that could be spent on more worthwhile things, according to conference-goers, like: re-education camps, adopt-a-whale programs, Maoist Renaissance Programs, Free-Money For the Poor initiatives and pro-abortion research studies.

There are critics of NADP and the National Pro-Death Movement (NPDM).

"Kill all the killers," chants gun-toting Brim Hoggbarfer, an anti-NPDM protester camped outside the spacious Red Roof Hotel that served as the host of the NADP convention, "kill all the killers." The killers being Death Panelists.

This writer asked several protesters their opinions on this divisive topic.

"Lying liars" was a universal response to most questions. Mr. Hoggbarfer, who wished to remain anonymous, might have been a bit more sympathetic, "if they used guns to kill 'em."