Top 10 Funniest Things Found on Colonoscopy

by Hughe Staffwriter

I caught up with gastroenterologist, Dr. Demon Lord, and asked him the 10 funniest items that he has observed while performing a colonoscopy. Here is the list:

10. Mouse (dead)

9. Candle (unlit)

8. Two Candles

7. Flashlight (on)

6. Envelope with 1831 stamp without post-mark

5. Half-eaten Korean pear

4. Rollex watch (with correct time)

3. Pair of Num-chucks

2. Signed Elvis dinner plate

1. Robin Williams

New Study: Death Common Outcome

by Hughe Staffwriter

Many lives result in death, a new study reveals.

"We were mortified," commented Dr. Paul Hades. "All of the subjects in our study died." Dr. Hades, part of a group of researchers at the University of Moronto, published in this week's Old England Journal of Medicine results of their 20-year landmark study. The study, funded by the Society for Never Aging, followed 12,297 patients from 1988 to 2008. The age range at the beginning of the study was 75-90. Each patient had a variety of health problems and these were handled statistically to ensure they resembled "average" patients in American Society. The patients were then followed for 20 years. Each patient had died by the end of the study.

"With all of the advances in medicine today we were hopeful that death would have been cheated at least in some cases," said Dr. Hades. "Clearly more research is needed."

Death, being the worst possible outcome, is unfortunately common. It occurs typically at the end of life and has no treatment. It is estimated that approximately 2.5 million people die each year in the US. With so many cases of death the incentive to find a cure is strong.

"Death is like HIV in the 1980's: increasing and deadly," Dr. Hades said. "I believe we can make dying a chronic disease just like we did for HIV."

"Death doesn't have to be the end," agrees fellow researcher Dr. Timothy Charon. "I estimate by the end of the 21st century we will have a cure for it."

With so many dying from Death patients are anxiously awaiting progress in the this elusive area of research. According to the National Instigators of Health (NIH), grant applications have skyrocketed from 1 to 2 over the past 15 years; that is a doubling, or, 100% increase over that period.

"What?" Replied Vera Pastures, 103 year-old woman of Ewing, North Dakota, when asked her opinions of Death. "Speak up why don't you. Please don't leave."

"Way I look at it," enthusiastically said Mitch Warden, 97 year-old retired milkman, "my wife's dead, my kids are dead, my friends are all dead; I've got terrible spinal stenosis, am incontinent after prostate cancer surgery and can't sleep 'cause of pain. Hell, I want to live forever."

"I believe it was Shakespeare who said: 'Death sucks'," said Dr. Charon. "I will not rest in peace until we learn how to cheat Death."

For now, we the public, must wait and keep on dying.

Medical Home

by Hughe Staffwriter

Good news. One kind of real estate is about to boom.

If doctors at Orwellian Medical Homes (OMH), one of many up-and-coming real estate companies devoted to the new and promising Medical Home industry, have there way we are all about to have a new option in buying a home.

"You're sick," observed Dr. Winston Smith, the founder of OMH as he greeted this writer. "Everybody is sick whether they realize it or not. Thankfully, you have a better option than just seeing your doctor regularly. He can see you...and all the time."

Dr. Smith left his position as Medical Director at Better Blissful Gardens on the Hill, a nursing home in Rochester, NY, to start OMH in 2007. He is entering fertile ground. According to the National Medical Home Society of North America But Not Missouri (NMHSNABNM), there are 0.00004 Medical Homes per second being sold or built in America today.

"The wave is huge," said Dr. Charles Yale, co-founder of OMH with Dr. Smith. "This is one trend in health care I will not be behind of. I'm behind it and in front of it."

Due to the seriously fragmented health care system the Medical Home concept was bound to enter the stage. The latest figures of nearly 17% of GDP being spent on health care coupled with the realization that other nations have similar clinical outcomes with half of the expense has jolted at least some to act.

"There is a way better way," touts Dr. Yale. "And I for one, of many mind you, am of one mind, of which I am blessed with a highly developed, or rather, evolved specimen, with many regarding, and concerning, or rather, as it pertains partially, if not fully to this concept," clarified Dr. Smith.

The typical Medical Home consists of four walls, one door, no windows, one mattress, one toilet, one sink, a surveillance system and a few extra optional items that include: a refrigerator, a stove and blankets.

"Safety [is the key to good health]," said Dr. Yale. "[For example], furniture is a huge risk [for falling]. Our research [has shown a 10-fold reduction in hip fractures after all furniture is removed]."

The same goes for rugs, wall decorations, plants, and just about anything with a cord.

"[In the Medical Home world we call cords], 'cords of death'," said Dr. Yale. The researcher explains that some new Medical Home builds don't even have electricity. "In moderate climates...we can allow [residents]...freedom [from energy bills.]"

The mainstay of the Medical Home is the close and centralized monitoring of the patient. The multidimensional surveillance system tracks everything from heart rate to bowel movement frequency.

"If you install your mother in one of our OMH homes we will guarantee you a monthly report of fall rates, flatus volumes, diaper changes and emesis occurences, " detailed Sam Jiloperon, Lead Technologist at OMH.

"I can finally sleep at night," said Sally Moonchowsen, who recently installed her mother into a new OMH home. She chose Safe Gardens, a new OMH settlement located in Gunner Creek, Ohio. "I am never bothered by calls from nurses or my mother about falls," she proudly exclaimed. "In fact, I never have to see her anymore at all. It's all in the OMH status summaries."

"Please, please, please..." politely responded inmate Vera, Sally's mother and resident of Safe Gardens. She appeared to be very animated and eager to speak but could not quite get the words out. She was safely re-installed after her risky few seconds of 'outworld' exposure, as it is referred to in the Medical Home world.

"[Infections are the greatest risk to ] mankind," said Dr. Smith. "[We guarantee you will be] safe [by virtually eliminating the need to go outside.]"

Even though this exciting wave of future living has only recently hit the ground running there are innovations already being made. At Safe Gardens, for example, several home types can be selected. Accordingly, the more elaborate, the more expensive.

The homes on Wide River Run in the Safe Gardens settlement, for example, include a new patient-assistance device called Coloflow, a permentantly insterted rectal tube that prevents constipation by providing a permenantly running colonic lavage system.

"It's like a turbo enema," described Sally in layman's terms when describing Coloflow. "My mother's bowel stats are perfect," she went on to say.

Pancare 1000 units adorn the most expensive units. These sophisticated medical devices induce sustained sleep, keep the patient alive with a breathing assistance device and provide nutrion via a surgically implanted gastric nutritional supplementation device. To top it off the inmate has a state-of-the-art cardiorespiratory monitoring device that wirelessly sends critical data about the patient's vital signs to a central unit at OMH headquarters. OMH employs triple board certified specialists to remotely manage these systems.

"The up direction is very steeply upward," said Dr. Smith. "We have a few, among many, ideas, for which I can, and do, take much, rather, all, of the main body of credit for (sic!)."

"Balderdash," exclaimed critic Dr. Raymond Tolouse V, of Jack Hopcins University. "The Medical Home is being hijacked by outfits like OMH."

There are many in the Medical Home field that feel current trends are concerning.

"OMH is discriminating against its inmates," said Dr. Tolouse V. "They are rationing care."

Many such critics argue that the OMH direction is creating a multi-tiered market place for Medical Homes. These critics claim that developments such as the Pancare 1000 should be open to all residents.

"[Look, we have to cover our costs]," replied Dr. Yale to these critiques. "Eventually, [Medicare] will [likely see the benefit of what we are doing] especially [given the pay-for-performace atmosphere these days]."

"If you want good patient outcomes, as a physician, you'll want all of your patients in a Medical Home," a confident Dr. Smith claimed.

One thing is for sure, Medical Homes are here to stay. It probably won't be long before your HMO and OMH will be compatible and not just anagrams.

Sick Sigma: Lessons from Industry, Part I

by Hughe Staffwriter
This article is first in a series of articles reviewing examples of efficient business practice in Industry with an eye toward applying lessons learned to the health care industry.


Remember the good old days of ordering things from ads in the back of comic books?

If you haven't you might want to consider starting; that is, if you want to save health care. According to Ustis Yurulmeniaman , a researcher at the University of Churchville, in upstate New York there are many things one can learn from the manufacture and distribution of Sea Monkeys.

That's right, Sea Monkeys: those little brine shrimp that magically turn to life with the simple addition of water.

"It's pretty amazing when you think about it," said Dr. Yurulmeniaman, "you really are creating life from almost nothing. It doesn't get more complex than that."

Complex, yet simple. Within the Sick Sigma movement in health care it is the guiding mantra. Ask any "sigmoid", as those in the movement jokingly refer to themselves, as the percentage of GDP applied to health care, now nearing 17%, continues to increase it is becoming imperative to look to any and all sources for help in curtailing costs while maintaining or increasing quality.

"Sea Monkey and patient. Different, yet so similar," said Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "The human body is more than 70% water. It is not inconceivable that one day your next child could come in a packet labeled with the words: 'just add water to add to family'."

According to Dr. Yurulmeniaman, this simple similarity lends credibility to the comparison in the first place. In the second, the processing of Sea Monkeys from factory to xray-goggle ordering child is comparable to patients having their illnesses "processed".

Patients present to their doctor with a problem, data are extracted and recommendations are made. Hurdles and glitches characterize the journey every patient takes through this simple sequence. Researchers like Dr.Yurulmeniaman aim to reduce the height of those hurdles and fix the glitches. It is in that light that they look to the Sea Monkey industry.

"It is our hope that you [as a patient] could go to your primary care physician [with a problem] and expect an efficient, caring and efficacious experience," said Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "Kids get that with their Sea Monkeys; why can't we at the doctor's office?"

The process of manufacturing Sea Monkeys goes back to the 1950s. Brilliantly marketed as, Instant Life, it hit the mail order scene with a splash. In fact, a small splash of water is all that it took to bring the small brine shrimp (Artemia salina) to life.Children everywhere could experience first hand the joys being Creator for a day...and all for $5 and stamp.

"The steps are pretty simple," according to Gus Tumbleweed, factory foreman. "Dry 'em, pack 'em, ship 'em." The "'em" refers to the Sea Monkey eggs, which are harvested each spring, on the first full moon of April. They are dried and stored for that fiscal year's orders. Precision-measured masses of brine shrimp eggs are packed using an automated packaging machine in the main plant of the OrderIt company in Madison, Wisconsin. When an order goes through the appropriate number of packages are then shipped to the customer. Despite state-of-the art efficiency challenges do arise. That's were Sick Sigma comes into play.

When asked about the customer education component, Gus replied pithily, "the package insert tells 'em how to do it." The "'em" refers to the customer in this case; the "it" refers to creation of life. Apparently great time efficiency was achieved by using the same instructions originally written by the inventor in 1957. Instead of Gus typing new instructions for each packet, he simply makes a copy of the original.

The "copying" innovation came from OrderIt's Chief Operating Officer (COO) Erol Flynn. After attending a Sick Sigma conference in 2005 Mr. Flynn went to work trying to transform his company's operations into that of a Fortune 1,000,000 company.

"They get it," said Mr. Flynn when commenting about Sick Sigma's approach to problem solving. "And I got it." Four years after implementing this epiphany OrderIt's sales sky rocketed four thousandths of one percent.

"Results like that are bound to get out," said Dr.Yurulmeniaman. The young researcher met Erol Flynn at a Six Sigma retreat held in 2008 at Big Bob's Bait & Tackle & Conference Room Center (with free HBO and chips 'n dip) in the scenic Adirondacks of New York state.

"Mr. Flynn said, 'pass the dip'. I did and he passed something amazing in return," recalls Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "He gave me his company's recent prospectus and I couldn't believe his jump in productivity. All from a simple idea."

Dr. Yurulmeniaman had an epiphany of his own, as he recounts the story. It was clear to him that similar practices could be applied to medicine.

"Every journey starts with one step," Dr. Yurulmeniaman quoted Confucius. "Mr. Flynn can be our guide. He's taken the first step."

There is one stumbling block, though, according to Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "There is only one Gus." As a reporter assigned to this new complex field this writer's misunderstanding was quickly corrected. When asked if Dr. Yurulmeniaman meant that "copying" was the "first step", he made a point to be clear for the record.

"Copying has nothing to do with it. It's all about Gus.We need more Guses," clarified Dr. Yurulmeniaman.

As can be expected with any new innovation there are skeptics.

"Dr. Yurulmeniaman has it all wrong," said Dr. R. E. Bezor of Gluck University in South Dakota. "He'll never advance the field pursuing such unimplementable processes." After running through several calculations and flipping pages in his note pad he was quick to point out that, "Gus would never quit. He loves Sea Monkeys."

"But the data are clear," responded Dr. Yurulmeniaman when reminded of critics' assertions. "Hire Gus. Problem solved."

Dr. Yurulmeniaman hopes to silence his critics soon. He has applied for a $283 grant from the Micowther Foundation. The title of his grant application: "A Sick Sigma Solution for Health Care: Buy Gus a Year's Worth of Dunkin Donuts Coupons And Maybe He'll Jump Ship."

Like most things in cutting edge science the peer review process is a bit down the line for Dr. Yurulmeniaman's research. This daunting climb does not intimidate him, however.

"I am but a dwarf sitting on the shoulders of giants. Sometimes we have to reach for the stars and grab some of our better angels' wings and fly away, fly away home. Gus, hallowed be thy name, is the solution, not the problem."

Novel Technique from the Past May Help Bioconsumers

by Hughe Staffwriter

An ancient technique called the “history” may help in the processing of bioconsumers, a new report suggests.

“Asking a bioconsumer questions just might help in the biotechnician’s job of case processing,” said Dr. John Hermes, dean of the University of Rochester School of Biotechnology. “It could mean the difference between a correct calculus and a wild recursive-loop chase.”

Long ago abandoned by the biotech field some recent pioneers have been talking to people with biofailures and finding that it has been helpful in elucidating their underlying problems.

“It’s really quite simple,” explains Dr. Hermes. “The biotechnician basically sits down in front of the bioconsumer and completes a verbal exchange.” According to Dr. Hermes, “the Medicomp just incorporates the lexical content just like any other data input stream.”

Naturally many of Dr. Hermes’s colleagues are skeptical. “The idea that the bioconsumer could have anything remotely relevant to say regarding their underlying biofailure is naive,” says Dr. Mark Auster, lead mediprocessor at Stanford University.

Once used regularly by doctors, as biotechnicians were once called up until the late 21^st century, “taking” a history entails asking the bioconsumers relevant questions about their experience; about how they “feel”. When the person begins to suspect that a problem might be brewing in his or her bioware instead of scanning their INDy (Implantable Nanomonitoring Device) and interfacing with their primary biotechnologist on the Medinet the malfunctioning person might consider asking to speak with her biotech…directly.

“Can you imagine the disruption in processing flow?” Dr. Auster speaks for many. “For the past 30 years we have finally reached 7-sigma efficiency. Speaking with people would just throw all that progress away.”

“I realize this is radical,” responds Dr. Hermes, asynchronously. “Sometimes it’s gratifying to interface with bioconsumers face-to-face. My JuSTo (Job Satisfaction Tracker) lights right up,” says the smiling dean. “Students seem to really find it novel.”

“I was really nervous about talking to people about their sensations,” replies Sarah Janus, student at the University of Rochester. “We spend so many years learning to encrypt and decrypt Medicomp data streams that we forget why we went into biotechnology in the first place: to help bioconsumers”

“Yeah, it’s kind of wild,” responds Tim, a fellow student. “[Bioconsumers] say stuff that can help in their processing. I talked to a female biocon during last month’s meditronotelonanocomp rotation. She complained of feeling something. I was, like, whoa, what am I supposed to do with that data?”

Dean Hermes has begun an introduction to verbal exchange course for all new biotechnology students. The proposal for the course design was recently published in the New American Journal in February’s issue. Other deans have expressed tentative interest.

“We’ll follow this with a wait-and-compute approach,” responded dean Pandora of Duke University. “Dr. Hermes may be onto something. However, it would be a bit presumptive at this stage to implement what really is a radical approach without firm data.”

“If we go down this path what are we to see next?” Dean Alexander of University of Pittsburg says. “Next thing you know we will be dusting off the historical text, Bates Physical Exam.”