New Study: Death Common Outcome

by Hughe Staffwriter

Many lives result in death, a new study reveals.

"We were mortified," commented Dr. Paul Hades. "All of the subjects in our study died." Dr. Hades, part of a group of researchers at the University of Moronto, published in this week's Old England Journal of Medicine results of their 20-year landmark study. The study, funded by the Society for Never Aging, followed 12,297 patients from 1988 to 2008. The age range at the beginning of the study was 75-90. Each patient had a variety of health problems and these were handled statistically to ensure they resembled "average" patients in American Society. The patients were then followed for 20 years. Each patient had died by the end of the study.

"With all of the advances in medicine today we were hopeful that death would have been cheated at least in some cases," said Dr. Hades. "Clearly more research is needed."

Death, being the worst possible outcome, is unfortunately common. It occurs typically at the end of life and has no treatment. It is estimated that approximately 2.5 million people die each year in the US. With so many cases of death the incentive to find a cure is strong.

"Death is like HIV in the 1980's: increasing and deadly," Dr. Hades said. "I believe we can make dying a chronic disease just like we did for HIV."

"Death doesn't have to be the end," agrees fellow researcher Dr. Timothy Charon. "I estimate by the end of the 21st century we will have a cure for it."

With so many dying from Death patients are anxiously awaiting progress in the this elusive area of research. According to the National Instigators of Health (NIH), grant applications have skyrocketed from 1 to 2 over the past 15 years; that is a doubling, or, 100% increase over that period.

"What?" Replied Vera Pastures, 103 year-old woman of Ewing, North Dakota, when asked her opinions of Death. "Speak up why don't you. Please don't leave."

"Way I look at it," enthusiastically said Mitch Warden, 97 year-old retired milkman, "my wife's dead, my kids are dead, my friends are all dead; I've got terrible spinal stenosis, am incontinent after prostate cancer surgery and can't sleep 'cause of pain. Hell, I want to live forever."

"I believe it was Shakespeare who said: 'Death sucks'," said Dr. Charon. "I will not rest in peace until we learn how to cheat Death."

For now, we the public, must wait and keep on dying.