Roaring, Alabama - The buzz is palpable. The recent attention toward the Death Panel topic is livening the atmosphere at the 3rd annual convention of the National Academy of Death Panels (NADP).
"Hey, we'll take it!" Beamed a purple arm band wearing Sally Gruntbear, of Pekola, Nebraska (112 Henry Ave, Apt D; beware of dog; security code alpha-23-omega). "Good press or bad; we are finally on the map!" The purple arm band is the national symbol for Death Panel Solidarity, according to members attending the conference.
Boasting a membership of 23 the fledgling NADP was founded by Dr. David Orwell in 2003. "Back when we started this thing, no one cared about Death Panels," reflected Dr. Orwell. "Now it's the talk of the town." The organization is presently preparing to publish the Journal of Death (JOD), a peer-reviewed scholarly journal dedicated to the topic of state-sponsored euthanasia.
"This is a timely topic," explained a smiling Dr. Orwell. "People are aging every day and we need to do something with all of them. We cannot turn back the clock; we need to consider other options."
According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), the average American is aging one day at a time. It is now predicted that by 2025 more than 93% of citizens currently living in the US will be older or deceased. If the NADP has its way we will realize the latter.
"There is a cure for aging," said Greg Yuileaster, a native of Roaring, and Treasurer of NAPD's Alabama chapter, "people just don't realize it. We can stop anyone from aging at any time using treatments already on the market today." And the future seems bright for even newer options.
Eversleep is a medication now being touted by the NAPD as a new option for elderly patients. The landmark article on the safety and efficacy of Eversleep will in fact be the topic of the first article published in the soon to be launched JOD. In stage III trials, Eversleep resulted in 53% faster onset of death than placebo.
In the increasingly popular alternative medicine field, the new herbal remedy, Grammabegone, also is selling "like hotcakes", according to Yolanda Underfunt, publicist of Newly Organics, a natural remedy company based in Flatus, New York.
"If we don't deathicate, " Dr. Orwell's preferred term for 'euthanize', "patients they may live to regret it. There is hope."
The NADP estimates that we "waste" anywhere from 150 dollars and $223.49 billion on unneeded treatments of older patients each year in the US. Monies that could be spent on more worthwhile things, according to conference-goers, like: re-education camps, adopt-a-whale programs, Maoist Renaissance Programs, Free-Money For the Poor initiatives and pro-abortion research studies.
There are critics of NADP and the National Pro-Death Movement (NPDM).
"Kill all the killers," chants gun-toting Brim Hoggbarfer, an anti-NPDM protester camped outside the spacious Red Roof Hotel that served as the host of the NADP convention, "kill all the killers." The killers being Death Panelists.
This writer asked several protesters their opinions on this divisive topic.
"Lying liars" was a universal response to most questions. Mr. Hoggbarfer, who wished to remain anonymous, might have been a bit more sympathetic, "if they used guns to kill 'em."
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
New Therapy Announced
by Hughe Staffwriter
RM789 may be just the answer to a disease, according to researchers at the University of Wall Street.
"Now we just need to find the disease it works for," said Dr. Stanley Forsythe, principle investigator of the team.
Chemical warehousing has been a common practice in the pharmaceutical industry for years. Drugs are discovered, modified and shelved for potential future use. Researchers inside and outside of industry work often by trial and error to match a drug with a desired effect. However, RM789 marks entry into a new era.
"We will be using the FDA's new turbo-Track pathway to get RM789 approved before we know what it's for," said Dr. Forsythe. "You might call it a make-it-up-as-you-go strategy."
"We all know that ads highlight aspects of a drug that in no way resemble real outcomes," commented Sally Veritas, Roach Pharmaceuticals' Chief of Marketing. "Fluttering butterflies, dancing virile couples, spiral staircases from heaven down to earth. It's all about feeling good. The truth about health is depressing and boring: we all die and not much really changes that fact. We sell the idea of better health."
RM789 will be released in May under the trade name, Panacean. The advertising campaign will feature a talking goat. "Geicho has their gecko," said Ms. Veritas, "we'll have our goat."
There is no shortage of critics of the release of RM789. "The name Panacean is stupid," said Dr. Yolanda Finkelstein of Roach Pharmaceuticals. "I have opposed it from the beginning. Would they listen? No. Sally Veritas is an idiot and should be fired. The goat is cute though!"
When asked about the lack of indications for the drug, Dr. Finkelstein replied, "that's no big deal. Just like Neurontin, we'll come up with some eventually. The important thing is being first to market."
RM789 may be just the answer to a disease, according to researchers at the University of Wall Street.
"Now we just need to find the disease it works for," said Dr. Stanley Forsythe, principle investigator of the team.
Chemical warehousing has been a common practice in the pharmaceutical industry for years. Drugs are discovered, modified and shelved for potential future use. Researchers inside and outside of industry work often by trial and error to match a drug with a desired effect. However, RM789 marks entry into a new era.
"We will be using the FDA's new turbo-Track pathway to get RM789 approved before we know what it's for," said Dr. Forsythe. "You might call it a make-it-up-as-you-go strategy."
"We all know that ads highlight aspects of a drug that in no way resemble real outcomes," commented Sally Veritas, Roach Pharmaceuticals' Chief of Marketing. "Fluttering butterflies, dancing virile couples, spiral staircases from heaven down to earth. It's all about feeling good. The truth about health is depressing and boring: we all die and not much really changes that fact. We sell the idea of better health."
RM789 will be released in May under the trade name, Panacean. The advertising campaign will feature a talking goat. "Geicho has their gecko," said Ms. Veritas, "we'll have our goat."
There is no shortage of critics of the release of RM789. "The name Panacean is stupid," said Dr. Yolanda Finkelstein of Roach Pharmaceuticals. "I have opposed it from the beginning. Would they listen? No. Sally Veritas is an idiot and should be fired. The goat is cute though!"
When asked about the lack of indications for the drug, Dr. Finkelstein replied, "that's no big deal. Just like Neurontin, we'll come up with some eventually. The important thing is being first to market."
Friday, March 6, 2009
In Brief: Penicillin Discovered Again
Researchers at State University of New York at Lockpit (SUNY-Lockpit) announced Wednesday, that they have discovered penicillin...again. Using the latest techniques in bacteriology Dr. Clyde Washburn, lead researcher, was able to isolate the miraculous substance from deep inside his home refrigerator. A crusty bottle of pink liquid was found just under three jars of old hot sauce. After some analysis in the lab he was able to confirm that the pink stuff was penicillin!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Ask the Panel: Health care reform
Ask the Panel
What priority do you place health care reform in the context of the several challenges that face our nation?
"Yes. I agree."
-- Doug Kendall, Health care lobbyist
"The thing that is bigger than the other thing must be not forgotten; for doom and death await the nation that does not heed that which is written in the book of books"
-- Nostradamus
"Very high. Patients need more colonoscopies. It all comes down to the colon."
-- Dr. Sathigramwalla Chilwanimugmani, Gastroenterologist
"I have dyspepsia."
-- Timothy Blair, former British Prime Minister's Cousin from New Jersey
"I don't believe in health care."
-- Greg Stumper, Chairperson of the Society of Non-believers
What priority do you place health care reform in the context of the several challenges that face our nation?
"Yes. I agree."
-- Doug Kendall, Health care lobbyist
"The thing that is bigger than the other thing must be not forgotten; for doom and death await the nation that does not heed that which is written in the book of books"
-- Nostradamus
"Very high. Patients need more colonoscopies. It all comes down to the colon."
-- Dr. Sathigramwalla Chilwanimugmani, Gastroenterologist
"I have dyspepsia."
-- Timothy Blair, former British Prime Minister's Cousin from New Jersey
"I don't believe in health care."
-- Greg Stumper, Chairperson of the Society of Non-believers
Monday, March 2, 2009
Red Cars, Prostate Cancer and Instant Research
by Hughe Staffwriter
A new study funded by the Automobile Manufacturers Association (AMA) showed a reduction in the risk of developing and dying of prostate cancer--if you drive a red car, that is.
"We just plugged this here data in the pro-gram and out popped that there techno-rati," said Sam Tuckit, principle investigator of the AMA study.
Mr. Tuckit is one of an increasing number of individuals interested in doing research but never had the time to obtain a time-consuming degree.
"I jus' re-plied to the ad in the back of Maxim," relayed Mr. Tuckit. His interest in prostate cancer had personal roots. "See, my daddy had a blue pick-up and died of prostate cancer and his brother had a red pick-up and is still kickin'. I figured that red had somethin' to do with it."
The Insta-vestigator Study Kit (tm), created by Uberdata, Inc. is based on the industry standard study creation software used in the pharmaceutical industry today. After a few initial inputs the software helps to design the study, compute the results and write the paper used for publication.
"All you need is an envelope and a stamp," described Izzy Plager. "Just send your perfectly drafted paper to your favorite medical journal, and presto, you are a published researcher."
Although reluctant to discuss their proprietary software design, Mr. Plager was able to give this writer a quick demonstration of their powerful software.
During the initials steps in designing a study the user first inputs his or her name, the desired outcome and whether he or she wants to do any work.
"We follow the scientific method to the letter," assured Mr. Plager. "It's especially important to decide what your study is supposed to show first. After receiving feedback from the pharmaceutical industry we made that a priority in our software."
Subsequent details that the software inquires of the user include: the user's social security number, copy of birth certificate, mother's maiden name and username-password combinations of all known online accounts. These details are conveniently backed up at Uberdata headquarters.
After the initial entries are made the software then automatically creates title, abstract, design, results and discussion sections of the paper which can then be published. If the 'work' option was selected a few more steps are required. First, the user must perform a simple bank-to-bank transfer (details on screen). Second, a number between 300 and 20,000 must be chosen to be used as the number of study participants. Lastly, the user selects 4 'authors' from a list of famous doctors or other industry experts. These names will be listed on the publication to give it credibility. Of course, you always remain the "first author", to use the lingo of the research community. No real research is necessary! After this step the user is done entering information.
Some very well known published papers came about through this revolutionary new way to do research. Some examples include:
Some critics point out that Insta-vestigator and other research-mill solutions have a serious flaw. There is no money-back-guarantee.
"Real research has a money-back guarantee," complained Dr. Harold Yemmeltrip. "Everyone knows that. It is true, however, that in the real world if a study doesn't show the results you want then you just throw away the results and do another study until you get the data you want. Insta-vestigator models this pretty well, I have to admit--in fact it just cuts to the chase and comes up with good results the first time. My beef is that even when your study works there are those times when a stuffy journal won't publish your paper. IV should give your money back if no-one publishes your paper."
A new solution to Dr. Yemmeltrip's dilemma is about to be launched. The Filed Letters of the Acadamy of Truth in the United States (FLATUS), a new academic journal, will be launched in June of 2009. It's publisher, Uberdata, is very excited to have control over the complete pipeline of knowledge dissemination.
"With the launch of FLATUS we anticipate the start of a new era," said Dr. Yemmeltrip. "Any paper written by an Insta-vestigator user will have a guaranteed place to publish their paper. I believe Nostradamus said that 'those in doubt are doomed to die a miserable, painfual and odiferous death in 2012'. I say that 'if you can't find Truth make your own.' "
These are exciting times in the land of Objective Truth. Don't be surprised if your teenager comes to you with a paper on why marijuana increases your intelligence. If cows could fly?
A new study funded by the Automobile Manufacturers Association (AMA) showed a reduction in the risk of developing and dying of prostate cancer--if you drive a red car, that is.
"We just plugged this here data in the pro-gram and out popped that there techno-rati," said Sam Tuckit, principle investigator of the AMA study.
Mr. Tuckit is one of an increasing number of individuals interested in doing research but never had the time to obtain a time-consuming degree.
"I jus' re-plied to the ad in the back of Maxim," relayed Mr. Tuckit. His interest in prostate cancer had personal roots. "See, my daddy had a blue pick-up and died of prostate cancer and his brother had a red pick-up and is still kickin'. I figured that red had somethin' to do with it."
The Insta-vestigator Study Kit (tm), created by Uberdata, Inc. is based on the industry standard study creation software used in the pharmaceutical industry today. After a few initial inputs the software helps to design the study, compute the results and write the paper used for publication.
"All you need is an envelope and a stamp," described Izzy Plager. "Just send your perfectly drafted paper to your favorite medical journal, and presto, you are a published researcher."
Although reluctant to discuss their proprietary software design, Mr. Plager was able to give this writer a quick demonstration of their powerful software.
During the initials steps in designing a study the user first inputs his or her name, the desired outcome and whether he or she wants to do any work.
"We follow the scientific method to the letter," assured Mr. Plager. "It's especially important to decide what your study is supposed to show first. After receiving feedback from the pharmaceutical industry we made that a priority in our software."
Subsequent details that the software inquires of the user include: the user's social security number, copy of birth certificate, mother's maiden name and username-password combinations of all known online accounts. These details are conveniently backed up at Uberdata headquarters.
After the initial entries are made the software then automatically creates title, abstract, design, results and discussion sections of the paper which can then be published. If the 'work' option was selected a few more steps are required. First, the user must perform a simple bank-to-bank transfer (details on screen). Second, a number between 300 and 20,000 must be chosen to be used as the number of study participants. Lastly, the user selects 4 'authors' from a list of famous doctors or other industry experts. These names will be listed on the publication to give it credibility. Of course, you always remain the "first author", to use the lingo of the research community. No real research is necessary! After this step the user is done entering information.
Some very well known published papers came about through this revolutionary new way to do research. Some examples include:
- The use of so-called 'statin' drugs in patients with high cholesterol
- Anti-dementia medications
- Acid-blocking agents called proton pump inhibitors
- Usefulness of PSA (in some cases: not all researchers were wise enough to use the software!)
- Treating "pre" diabetes, "pre" hypertension
Some critics point out that Insta-vestigator and other research-mill solutions have a serious flaw. There is no money-back-guarantee.
"Real research has a money-back guarantee," complained Dr. Harold Yemmeltrip. "Everyone knows that. It is true, however, that in the real world if a study doesn't show the results you want then you just throw away the results and do another study until you get the data you want. Insta-vestigator models this pretty well, I have to admit--in fact it just cuts to the chase and comes up with good results the first time. My beef is that even when your study works there are those times when a stuffy journal won't publish your paper. IV should give your money back if no-one publishes your paper."
A new solution to Dr. Yemmeltrip's dilemma is about to be launched. The Filed Letters of the Acadamy of Truth in the United States (FLATUS), a new academic journal, will be launched in June of 2009. It's publisher, Uberdata, is very excited to have control over the complete pipeline of knowledge dissemination.
"With the launch of FLATUS we anticipate the start of a new era," said Dr. Yemmeltrip. "Any paper written by an Insta-vestigator user will have a guaranteed place to publish their paper. I believe Nostradamus said that 'those in doubt are doomed to die a miserable, painfual and odiferous death in 2012'. I say that 'if you can't find Truth make your own.' "
These are exciting times in the land of Objective Truth. Don't be surprised if your teenager comes to you with a paper on why marijuana increases your intelligence. If cows could fly?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Top 10 Funniest Things Found on Colonoscopy
by Hughe Staffwriter
I caught up with gastroenterologist, Dr. Demon Lord, and asked him the 10 funniest items that he has observed while performing a colonoscopy. Here is the list:
10. Mouse (dead)
9. Candle (unlit)
8. Two Candles
7. Flashlight (on)
6. Envelope with 1831 stamp without post-mark
5. Half-eaten Korean pear
4. Rollex watch (with correct time)
3. Pair of Num-chucks
2. Signed Elvis dinner plate
1. Robin Williams
5. Half-eaten Korean pear
4. Rollex watch (with correct time)
3. Pair of Num-chucks
2. Signed Elvis dinner plate
1. Robin Williams
Monday, February 23, 2009
New Study: Death Common Outcome
by Hughe Staffwriter
Many lives result in death, a new study reveals.
"We were mortified," commented Dr. Paul Hades. "All of the subjects in our study died." Dr. Hades, part of a group of researchers at the University of Moronto, published in this week's Old England Journal of Medicine results of their 20-year landmark study. The study, funded by the Society for Never Aging, followed 12,297 patients from 1988 to 2008. The age range at the beginning of the study was 75-90. Each patient had a variety of health problems and these were handled statistically to ensure they resembled "average" patients in American Society. The patients were then followed for 20 years. Each patient had died by the end of the study.
"With all of the advances in medicine today we were hopeful that death would have been cheated at least in some cases," said Dr. Hades. "Clearly more research is needed."
Death, being the worst possible outcome, is unfortunately common. It occurs typically at the end of life and has no treatment. It is estimated that approximately 2.5 million people die each year in the US. With so many cases of death the incentive to find a cure is strong.
"Death is like HIV in the 1980's: increasing and deadly," Dr. Hades said. "I believe we can make dying a chronic disease just like we did for HIV."
"Death doesn't have to be the end," agrees fellow researcher Dr. Timothy Charon. "I estimate by the end of the 21st century we will have a cure for it."
With so many dying from Death patients are anxiously awaiting progress in the this elusive area of research. According to the National Instigators of Health (NIH), grant applications have skyrocketed from 1 to 2 over the past 15 years; that is a doubling, or, 100% increase over that period.
"What?" Replied Vera Pastures, 103 year-old woman of Ewing, North Dakota, when asked her opinions of Death. "Speak up why don't you. Please don't leave."
"Way I look at it," enthusiastically said Mitch Warden, 97 year-old retired milkman, "my wife's dead, my kids are dead, my friends are all dead; I've got terrible spinal stenosis, am incontinent after prostate cancer surgery and can't sleep 'cause of pain. Hell, I want to live forever."
"I believe it was Shakespeare who said: 'Death sucks'," said Dr. Charon. "I will not rest in peace until we learn how to cheat Death."
For now, we the public, must wait and keep on dying.
Many lives result in death, a new study reveals.
"We were mortified," commented Dr. Paul Hades. "All of the subjects in our study died." Dr. Hades, part of a group of researchers at the University of Moronto, published in this week's Old England Journal of Medicine results of their 20-year landmark study. The study, funded by the Society for Never Aging, followed 12,297 patients from 1988 to 2008. The age range at the beginning of the study was 75-90. Each patient had a variety of health problems and these were handled statistically to ensure they resembled "average" patients in American Society. The patients were then followed for 20 years. Each patient had died by the end of the study.
"With all of the advances in medicine today we were hopeful that death would have been cheated at least in some cases," said Dr. Hades. "Clearly more research is needed."
Death, being the worst possible outcome, is unfortunately common. It occurs typically at the end of life and has no treatment. It is estimated that approximately 2.5 million people die each year in the US. With so many cases of death the incentive to find a cure is strong.
"Death is like HIV in the 1980's: increasing and deadly," Dr. Hades said. "I believe we can make dying a chronic disease just like we did for HIV."
"Death doesn't have to be the end," agrees fellow researcher Dr. Timothy Charon. "I estimate by the end of the 21st century we will have a cure for it."
With so many dying from Death patients are anxiously awaiting progress in the this elusive area of research. According to the National Instigators of Health (NIH), grant applications have skyrocketed from 1 to 2 over the past 15 years; that is a doubling, or, 100% increase over that period.
"What?" Replied Vera Pastures, 103 year-old woman of Ewing, North Dakota, when asked her opinions of Death. "Speak up why don't you. Please don't leave."
"Way I look at it," enthusiastically said Mitch Warden, 97 year-old retired milkman, "my wife's dead, my kids are dead, my friends are all dead; I've got terrible spinal stenosis, am incontinent after prostate cancer surgery and can't sleep 'cause of pain. Hell, I want to live forever."
"I believe it was Shakespeare who said: 'Death sucks'," said Dr. Charon. "I will not rest in peace until we learn how to cheat Death."
For now, we the public, must wait and keep on dying.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Medical Home
by Hughe Staffwriter
Good news. One kind of real estate is about to boom.
If doctors at Orwellian Medical Homes (OMH), one of many up-and-coming real estate companies devoted to the new and promising Medical Home industry, have there way we are all about to have a new option in buying a home.
"You're sick," observed Dr. Winston Smith, the founder of OMH as he greeted this writer. "Everybody is sick whether they realize it or not. Thankfully, you have a better option than just seeing your doctor regularly. He can see you...and all the time."
Dr. Smith left his position as Medical Director at Better Blissful Gardens on the Hill, a nursing home in Rochester, NY, to start OMH in 2007. He is entering fertile ground. According to the National Medical Home Society of North America But Not Missouri (NMHSNABNM), there are 0.00004 Medical Homes per second being sold or built in America today.
"The wave is huge," said Dr. Charles Yale, co-founder of OMH with Dr. Smith. "This is one trend in health care I will not be behind of. I'm behind it and in front of it."
Due to the seriously fragmented health care system the Medical Home concept was bound to enter the stage. The latest figures of nearly 17% of GDP being spent on health care coupled with the realization that other nations have similar clinical outcomes with half of the expense has jolted at least some to act.
"There is a way better way," touts Dr. Yale. "And I for one, of many mind you, am of one mind, of which I am blessed with a highly developed, or rather, evolved specimen, with many regarding, and concerning, or rather, as it pertains partially, if not fully to this concept," clarified Dr. Smith.
The typical Medical Home consists of four walls, one door, no windows, one mattress, one toilet, one sink, a surveillance system and a few extra optional items that include: a refrigerator, a stove and blankets.
"Safety [is the key to good health]," said Dr. Yale. "[For example], furniture is a huge risk [for falling]. Our research [has shown a 10-fold reduction in hip fractures after all furniture is removed]."
The same goes for rugs, wall decorations, plants, and just about anything with a cord.
"Please, please, please..." politely responded inmate Vera, Sally's mother and resident of Safe Gardens. She appeared to be very animated and eager to speak but could not quite get the words out. She was safely re-installed after her risky few seconds of 'outworld' exposure, as it is referred to in the Medical Home world.
"[Infections are the greatest risk to ] mankind," said Dr. Smith. "[We guarantee you will be] safe [by virtually eliminating the need to go outside.]"
Even though this exciting wave of future living has only recently hit the ground running there are innovations already being made. At Safe Gardens, for example, several home types can be selected. Accordingly, the more elaborate, the more expensive.
The homes on Wide River Run in the Safe Gardens settlement, for example, include a new patient-assistance device called Coloflow, a permentantly insterted rectal tube that prevents constipation by providing a permenantly running colonic lavage system.
"It's like a turbo enema," described Sally in layman's terms when describing Coloflow. "My mother's bowel stats are perfect," she went on to say.
Pancare 1000 units adorn the most expensive units. These sophisticated medical devices induce sustained sleep, keep the patient alive with a breathing assistance device and provide nutrion via a surgically implanted gastric nutritional supplementation device. To top it off the inmate has a state-of-the-art cardiorespiratory monitoring device that wirelessly sends critical data about the patient's vital signs to a central unit at OMH headquarters. OMH employs triple board certified specialists to remotely manage these systems.
"The up direction is very steeply upward," said Dr. Smith. "We have a few, among many, ideas, for which I can, and do, take much, rather, all, of the main body of credit for (sic!)."
"Balderdash," exclaimed critic Dr. Raymond Tolouse V, of Jack Hopcins University. "The Medical Home is being hijacked by outfits like OMH."
There are many in the Medical Home field that feel current trends are concerning.
"OMH is discriminating against its inmates," said Dr. Tolouse V. "They are rationing care."
Many such critics argue that the OMH direction is creating a multi-tiered market place for Medical Homes. These critics claim that developments such as the Pancare 1000 should be open to all residents.
"[Look, we have to cover our costs]," replied Dr. Yale to these critiques. "Eventually, [Medicare] will [likely see the benefit of what we are doing] especially [given the pay-for-performace atmosphere these days]."
"If you want good patient outcomes, as a physician, you'll want all of your patients in a Medical Home," a confident Dr. Smith claimed.
One thing is for sure, Medical Homes are here to stay. It probably won't be long before your HMO and OMH will be compatible and not just anagrams.
Good news. One kind of real estate is about to boom.
If doctors at Orwellian Medical Homes (OMH), one of many up-and-coming real estate companies devoted to the new and promising Medical Home industry, have there way we are all about to have a new option in buying a home.
"You're sick," observed Dr. Winston Smith, the founder of OMH as he greeted this writer. "Everybody is sick whether they realize it or not. Thankfully, you have a better option than just seeing your doctor regularly. He can see you...and all the time."
Dr. Smith left his position as Medical Director at Better Blissful Gardens on the Hill, a nursing home in Rochester, NY, to start OMH in 2007. He is entering fertile ground. According to the National Medical Home Society of North America But Not Missouri (NMHSNABNM), there are 0.00004 Medical Homes per second being sold or built in America today.
"The wave is huge," said Dr. Charles Yale, co-founder of OMH with Dr. Smith. "This is one trend in health care I will not be behind of. I'm behind it and in front of it."
Due to the seriously fragmented health care system the Medical Home concept was bound to enter the stage. The latest figures of nearly 17% of GDP being spent on health care coupled with the realization that other nations have similar clinical outcomes with half of the expense has jolted at least some to act.
"There is a way better way," touts Dr. Yale. "And I for one, of many mind you, am of one mind, of which I am blessed with a highly developed, or rather, evolved specimen, with many regarding, and concerning, or rather, as it pertains partially, if not fully to this concept," clarified Dr. Smith.
The typical Medical Home consists of four walls, one door, no windows, one mattress, one toilet, one sink, a surveillance system and a few extra optional items that include: a refrigerator, a stove and blankets.
"Safety [is the key to good health]," said Dr. Yale. "[For example], furniture is a huge risk [for falling]. Our research [has shown a 10-fold reduction in hip fractures after all furniture is removed]."
The same goes for rugs, wall decorations, plants, and just about anything with a cord.
"[In the Medical Home world we call cords], 'cords of death'," said Dr. Yale. The researcher explains that some new Medical Home builds don't even have electricity. "In moderate climates...we can allow [residents]...freedom [from energy bills.]"
The mainstay of the Medical Home is the close and centralized monitoring of the patient. The multidimensional surveillance system tracks everything from heart rate to bowel movement frequency.
"If you install your mother in one of our OMH homes we will guarantee you a monthly report of fall rates, flatus volumes, diaper changes and emesis occurences, " detailed Sam Jiloperon, Lead Technologist at OMH.
"I can finally sleep at night," said Sally Moonchowsen, who recently installed her mother into a new OMH home. She chose Safe Gardens, a new OMH settlement located in Gunner Creek, Ohio. "I am never bothered by calls from nurses or my mother about falls," she proudly exclaimed. "In fact, I never have to see her anymore at all. It's all in the OMH status summaries.""Please, please, please..." politely responded inmate Vera, Sally's mother and resident of Safe Gardens. She appeared to be very animated and eager to speak but could not quite get the words out. She was safely re-installed after her risky few seconds of 'outworld' exposure, as it is referred to in the Medical Home world.
"[Infections are the greatest risk to ] mankind," said Dr. Smith. "[We guarantee you will be] safe [by virtually eliminating the need to go outside.]"
Even though this exciting wave of future living has only recently hit the ground running there are innovations already being made. At Safe Gardens, for example, several home types can be selected. Accordingly, the more elaborate, the more expensive.
The homes on Wide River Run in the Safe Gardens settlement, for example, include a new patient-assistance device called Coloflow, a permentantly insterted rectal tube that prevents constipation by providing a permenantly running colonic lavage system.
"It's like a turbo enema," described Sally in layman's terms when describing Coloflow. "My mother's bowel stats are perfect," she went on to say.
Pancare 1000 units adorn the most expensive units. These sophisticated medical devices induce sustained sleep, keep the patient alive with a breathing assistance device and provide nutrion via a surgically implanted gastric nutritional supplementation device. To top it off the inmate has a state-of-the-art cardiorespiratory monitoring device that wirelessly sends critical data about the patient's vital signs to a central unit at OMH headquarters. OMH employs triple board certified specialists to remotely manage these systems.
"The up direction is very steeply upward," said Dr. Smith. "We have a few, among many, ideas, for which I can, and do, take much, rather, all, of the main body of credit for (sic!)."
"Balderdash," exclaimed critic Dr. Raymond Tolouse V, of Jack Hopcins University. "The Medical Home is being hijacked by outfits like OMH."
There are many in the Medical Home field that feel current trends are concerning.
"OMH is discriminating against its inmates," said Dr. Tolouse V. "They are rationing care."
Many such critics argue that the OMH direction is creating a multi-tiered market place for Medical Homes. These critics claim that developments such as the Pancare 1000 should be open to all residents.
"[Look, we have to cover our costs]," replied Dr. Yale to these critiques. "Eventually, [Medicare] will [likely see the benefit of what we are doing] especially [given the pay-for-performace atmosphere these days]."
"If you want good patient outcomes, as a physician, you'll want all of your patients in a Medical Home," a confident Dr. Smith claimed.
One thing is for sure, Medical Homes are here to stay. It probably won't be long before your HMO and OMH will be compatible and not just anagrams.
Sick Sigma: Lessons from Industry, Part I
by Hughe Staffwriter
This article is first in a series of articles reviewing examples of efficient business practice in Industry with an eye toward applying lessons learned to the health care industry.
Remember the good old days of ordering things from ads in the back of comic books?
If you haven't you might want to consider starting; that is, if you want to save health care. According to Ustis Yurulmeniaman , a researcher at the University of Churchville, in upstate New York there are many things one can learn from the manufacture and distribution of Sea Monkeys.
That's right, Sea Monkeys: those little brine shrimp that magically turn to life with the simple addition of water.
"It's pretty amazing when you think about it," said Dr. Yurulmeniaman, "you really are creating life from almost nothing. It doesn't get more complex than that."
Complex, yet simple. Within the Sick Sigma movement in health care it is the guiding mantra. Ask any "sigmoid", as those in the movement jokingly refer to themselves, as the percentage of GDP applied to health care, now nearing 17%, continues to increase it is becoming imperative to look to any and all sources for help in curtailing costs while maintaining or increasing quality.
"Sea Monkey and patient. Different, yet so similar," said Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "The human body is more than 70% water. It is not inconceivable that one day your next child could come in a packet labeled with the words: 'just add water to add to family'."
According to Dr. Yurulmeniaman, this simple similarity lends credibility to the comparison in the first place. In the second, the processing of Sea Monkeys from factory to xray-goggle ordering child is comparable to patients having their illnesses "processed".
Patients present to their doctor with a problem, data are extracted and recommendations are made. Hurdles and glitches characterize the journey every patient takes through this simple sequence. Researchers like Dr.Yurulmeniaman aim to reduce the height of those hurdles and fix the glitches. It is in that light that they look to the Sea Monkey industry.
"It is our hope that you [as a patient] could go to your primary care physician [with a problem] and expect an efficient, caring and efficacious experience," said Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "Kids get that with their Sea Monkeys; why can't we at the doctor's office?"
The process of manufacturing Sea Monkeys goes back to the 1950s. Brilliantly marketed as, Instant Life, it hit the mail order scene with a splash. In fact, a small splash of water is all that it took to bring the small brine shrimp (Artemia salina) to life.Children everywhere could experience first hand the joys being Creator for a day...and all for $5 and stamp.
"The steps are pretty simple," according to Gus Tumbleweed, factory foreman. "Dry 'em, pack 'em, ship 'em." The "'em" refers to the Sea Monkey eggs, which are harvested each spring, on the first full moon of April. They are dried and stored for that fiscal year's orders. Precision-measured masses of brine shrimp eggs are packed using an automated packaging machine in the main plant of the OrderIt company in Madison, Wisconsin. When an order goes through the appropriate number of packages are then shipped to the customer. Despite state-of-the art efficiency challenges do arise. That's were Sick Sigma comes into play.
When asked about the customer education component, Gus replied pithily, "the package insert tells 'em how to do it." The "'em" refers to the customer in this case; the "it" refers to creation of life. Apparently great time efficiency was achieved by using the same instructions originally written by the inventor in 1957. Instead of Gus typing new instructions for each packet, he simply makes a copy of the original.
The "copying" innovation came from OrderIt's Chief Operating Officer (COO) Erol Flynn. After attending a Sick Sigma conference in 2005 Mr. Flynn went to work trying to transform his company's operations into that of a Fortune 1,000,000 company.
"They get it," said Mr. Flynn when commenting about Sick Sigma's approach to problem solving. "And I got it." Four years after implementing this epiphany OrderIt's sales sky rocketed four thousandths of one percent.
"Results like that are bound to get out," said Dr.Yurulmeniaman. The young researcher met Erol Flynn at a Six Sigma retreat held in 2008 at Big Bob's Bait & Tackle & Conference Room Center (with free HBO and chips 'n dip) in the scenic Adirondacks of New York state.
"Mr. Flynn said, 'pass the dip'. I did and he passed something amazing in return," recalls Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "He gave me his company's recent prospectus and I couldn't believe his jump in productivity. All from a simple idea."
Dr. Yurulmeniaman had an epiphany of his own, as he recounts the story. It was clear to him that similar practices could be applied to medicine.
"Every journey starts with one step," Dr. Yurulmeniaman quoted Confucius. "Mr. Flynn can be our guide. He's taken the first step."
There is one stumbling block, though, according to Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "There is only one Gus." As a reporter assigned to this new complex field this writer's misunderstanding was quickly corrected. When asked if Dr. Yurulmeniaman meant that "copying" was the "first step", he made a point to be clear for the record.
"Copying has nothing to do with it. It's all about Gus.We need more Guses," clarified Dr. Yurulmeniaman.
As can be expected with any new innovation there are skeptics.
"Dr. Yurulmeniaman has it all wrong," said Dr. R. E. Bezor of Gluck University in South Dakota. "He'll never advance the field pursuing such unimplementable processes." After running through several calculations and flipping pages in his note pad he was quick to point out that, "Gus would never quit. He loves Sea Monkeys."
"But the data are clear," responded Dr. Yurulmeniaman when reminded of critics' assertions. "Hire Gus. Problem solved."
Dr. Yurulmeniaman hopes to silence his critics soon. He has applied for a $283 grant from the Micowther Foundation. The title of his grant application: "A Sick Sigma Solution for Health Care: Buy Gus a Year's Worth of Dunkin Donuts Coupons And Maybe He'll Jump Ship."
Like most things in cutting edge science the peer review process is a bit down the line for Dr. Yurulmeniaman's research. This daunting climb does not intimidate him, however.
"I am but a dwarf sitting on the shoulders of giants. Sometimes we have to reach for the stars and grab some of our better angels' wings and fly away, fly away home. Gus, hallowed be thy name, is the solution, not the problem."
This article is first in a series of articles reviewing examples of efficient business practice in Industry with an eye toward applying lessons learned to the health care industry.
Remember the good old days of ordering things from ads in the back of comic books?
If you haven't you might want to consider starting; that is, if you want to save health care. According to Ustis Yurulmeniaman , a researcher at the University of Churchville, in upstate New York there are many things one can learn from the manufacture and distribution of Sea Monkeys.
That's right, Sea Monkeys: those little brine shrimp that magically turn to life with the simple addition of water.
"It's pretty amazing when you think about it," said Dr. Yurulmeniaman, "you really are creating life from almost nothing. It doesn't get more complex than that."
Complex, yet simple. Within the Sick Sigma movement in health care it is the guiding mantra. Ask any "sigmoid", as those in the movement jokingly refer to themselves, as the percentage of GDP applied to health care, now nearing 17%, continues to increase it is becoming imperative to look to any and all sources for help in curtailing costs while maintaining or increasing quality.
"Sea Monkey and patient. Different, yet so similar," said Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "The human body is more than 70% water. It is not inconceivable that one day your next child could come in a packet labeled with the words: 'just add water to add to family'."
According to Dr. Yurulmeniaman, this simple similarity lends credibility to the comparison in the first place. In the second, the processing of Sea Monkeys from factory to xray-goggle ordering child is comparable to patients having their illnesses "processed".
Patients present to their doctor with a problem, data are extracted and recommendations are made. Hurdles and glitches characterize the journey every patient takes through this simple sequence. Researchers like Dr.Yurulmeniaman aim to reduce the height of those hurdles and fix the glitches. It is in that light that they look to the Sea Monkey industry.
"It is our hope that you [as a patient] could go to your primary care physician [with a problem] and expect an efficient, caring and efficacious experience," said Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "Kids get that with their Sea Monkeys; why can't we at the doctor's office?"
The process of manufacturing Sea Monkeys goes back to the 1950s. Brilliantly marketed as, Instant Life, it hit the mail order scene with a splash. In fact, a small splash of water is all that it took to bring the small brine shrimp (Artemia salina) to life.Children everywhere could experience first hand the joys being Creator for a day...and all for $5 and stamp.
"The steps are pretty simple," according to Gus Tumbleweed, factory foreman. "Dry 'em, pack 'em, ship 'em." The "'em" refers to the Sea Monkey eggs, which are harvested each spring, on the first full moon of April. They are dried and stored for that fiscal year's orders. Precision-measured masses of brine shrimp eggs are packed using an automated packaging machine in the main plant of the OrderIt company in Madison, Wisconsin. When an order goes through the appropriate number of packages are then shipped to the customer. Despite state-of-the art efficiency challenges do arise. That's were Sick Sigma comes into play.
When asked about the customer education component, Gus replied pithily, "the package insert tells 'em how to do it." The "'em" refers to the customer in this case; the "it" refers to creation of life. Apparently great time efficiency was achieved by using the same instructions originally written by the inventor in 1957. Instead of Gus typing new instructions for each packet, he simply makes a copy of the original.
The "copying" innovation came from OrderIt's Chief Operating Officer (COO) Erol Flynn. After attending a Sick Sigma conference in 2005 Mr. Flynn went to work trying to transform his company's operations into that of a Fortune 1,000,000 company.
"They get it," said Mr. Flynn when commenting about Sick Sigma's approach to problem solving. "And I got it." Four years after implementing this epiphany OrderIt's sales sky rocketed four thousandths of one percent.
"Results like that are bound to get out," said Dr.Yurulmeniaman. The young researcher met Erol Flynn at a Six Sigma retreat held in 2008 at Big Bob's Bait & Tackle & Conference Room Center (with free HBO and chips 'n dip) in the scenic Adirondacks of New York state.
"Mr. Flynn said, 'pass the dip'. I did and he passed something amazing in return," recalls Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "He gave me his company's recent prospectus and I couldn't believe his jump in productivity. All from a simple idea."
Dr. Yurulmeniaman had an epiphany of his own, as he recounts the story. It was clear to him that similar practices could be applied to medicine.
"Every journey starts with one step," Dr. Yurulmeniaman quoted Confucius. "Mr. Flynn can be our guide. He's taken the first step."
There is one stumbling block, though, according to Dr. Yurulmeniaman. "There is only one Gus." As a reporter assigned to this new complex field this writer's misunderstanding was quickly corrected. When asked if Dr. Yurulmeniaman meant that "copying" was the "first step", he made a point to be clear for the record.
"Copying has nothing to do with it. It's all about Gus.We need more Guses," clarified Dr. Yurulmeniaman.
As can be expected with any new innovation there are skeptics.
"Dr. Yurulmeniaman has it all wrong," said Dr. R. E. Bezor of Gluck University in South Dakota. "He'll never advance the field pursuing such unimplementable processes." After running through several calculations and flipping pages in his note pad he was quick to point out that, "Gus would never quit. He loves Sea Monkeys."
"But the data are clear," responded Dr. Yurulmeniaman when reminded of critics' assertions. "Hire Gus. Problem solved."
Dr. Yurulmeniaman hopes to silence his critics soon. He has applied for a $283 grant from the Micowther Foundation. The title of his grant application: "A Sick Sigma Solution for Health Care: Buy Gus a Year's Worth of Dunkin Donuts Coupons And Maybe He'll Jump Ship."
Like most things in cutting edge science the peer review process is a bit down the line for Dr. Yurulmeniaman's research. This daunting climb does not intimidate him, however.
"I am but a dwarf sitting on the shoulders of giants. Sometimes we have to reach for the stars and grab some of our better angels' wings and fly away, fly away home. Gus, hallowed be thy name, is the solution, not the problem."
Novel Technique from the Past May Help Bioconsumers
by Hughe Staffwriter
An ancient technique called the “history” may help in the processing of bioconsumers, a new report suggests.
“Asking a bioconsumer questions just might help in the biotechnician’s job of case processing,” said Dr. John Hermes, dean of the University of Rochester School of Biotechnology. “It could mean the difference between a correct calculus and a wild recursive-loop chase.”
Long ago abandoned by the biotech field some recent pioneers have been talking to people with biofailures and finding that it has been helpful in elucidating their underlying problems.
“It’s really quite simple,” explains Dr. Hermes. “The biotechnician basically sits down in front of the bioconsumer and completes a verbal exchange.” According to Dr. Hermes, “the Medicomp just incorporates the lexical content just like any other data input stream.”
Naturally many of Dr. Hermes’s colleagues are skeptical. “The idea that the bioconsumer could have anything remotely relevant to say regarding their underlying biofailure is naive,” says Dr. Mark Auster, lead mediprocessor at
Once used regularly by doctors, as biotechnicians were once called up until the late 21st century, “taking” a history entails asking the bioconsumers relevant questions about their experience; about how they “feel”. When the person begins to suspect that a problem might be brewing in his or her bioware instead of scanning their INDy (Implantable Nanomonitoring Device) and interfacing with their primary biotechnologist on the Medinet the malfunctioning person might consider asking to speak with her biotech…directly.
“Can you imagine the disruption in processing flow?” Dr. Auster speaks for many. “For the past 30 years we have finally reached 7-sigma efficiency. Speaking with people would just throw all that progress away.”
“I realize this is radical,” responds Dr. Hermes, asynchronously. “Sometimes it’s gratifying to interface with bioconsumers face-to-face. My JuSTo (Job Satisfaction Tracker) lights right up,” says the smiling dean. “Students seem to really find it novel.”
“I was really nervous about talking to people about their sensations,” replies Sarah Janus, student at the
“Yeah, it’s kind of wild,” responds Tim, a fellow student. “[Bioconsumers] say stuff that can help in their processing. I talked to a female biocon during last month’s meditronotelonanocomp rotation. She complained of feeling something. I was, like, whoa, what am I supposed to do with that data?”
Dean Hermes has begun an introduction to verbal exchange course for all new biotechnology students. The proposal for the course design was recently published in the New American Journal in February’s issue. Other deans have expressed tentative interest.
“We’ll follow this with a wait-and-compute approach,” responded dean Pandora of Duke University. “Dr. Hermes may be onto something. However, it would be a bit presumptive at this stage to implement what really is a radical approach without firm data.”
“If we go down this path what are we to see next?” Dean Alexander of
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