A new study funded by the Automobile Manufacturers Association (AMA) showed a reduction in the risk of developing and dying of prostate cancer--if you drive a red car, that is.
"We just plugged this here data in the pro-gram and out popped that there techno-rati," said Sam Tuckit, principle investigator of the AMA study.
Mr. Tuckit is one of an increasing number of individuals interested in doing research but never had the time to obtain a time-consuming degree.
"I jus' re-plied to the ad in the back of Maxim," relayed Mr. Tuckit. His interest in prostate cancer had personal roots. "See, my daddy had a blue pick-up and died of prostate cancer and his brother had a red pick-up and is still kickin'. I figured that red had somethin' to do with it."
The Insta-vestigator Study Kit (tm), created by Uberdata, Inc. is based on the industry standard study creation software used in the pharmaceutical industry today. After a few initial inputs the software helps to design the study, compute the results and write the paper used for publication.
"All you need is an envelope and a stamp," described Izzy Plager. "Just send your perfectly drafted paper to your favorite medical journal, and presto, you are a published researcher."
Although reluctant to discuss their proprietary software design, Mr. Plager was able to give this writer a quick demonstration of their powerful software.
During the initials steps in designing a study the user first inputs his or her name, the desired outcome and whether he or she wants to do any work.
"We follow the scientific method to the letter," assured Mr. Plager. "It's especially important to decide what your study is supposed to show first. After receiving feedback from the pharmaceutical industry we made that a priority in our software."
Subsequent details that the software inquires of the user include: the user's social security number, copy of birth certificate, mother's maiden name and username-password combinations of all known online accounts. These details are conveniently backed up at Uberdata headquarters.
After the initial entries are made the software then automatically creates title, abstract, design, results and discussion sections of the paper which can then be published. If the 'work' option was selected a few more steps are required. First, the user must perform a simple bank-to-bank transfer (details on screen). Second, a number between 300 and 20,000 must be chosen to be used as the number of study participants. Lastly, the user selects 4 'authors' from a list of famous doctors or other industry experts. These names will be listed on the publication to give it credibility. Of course, you always remain the "first author", to use the lingo of the research community. No real research is necessary! After this step the user is done entering information.
Some very well known published papers came about through this revolutionary new way to do research. Some examples include:
- The use of so-called 'statin' drugs in patients with high cholesterol
- Anti-dementia medications
- Acid-blocking agents called proton pump inhibitors
- Usefulness of PSA (in some cases: not all researchers were wise enough to use the software!)
- Treating "pre" diabetes, "pre" hypertension
Some critics point out that Insta-vestigator and other research-mill solutions have a serious flaw. There is no money-back-guarantee.
"Real research has a money-back guarantee," complained Dr. Harold Yemmeltrip. "Everyone knows that. It is true, however, that in the real world if a study doesn't show the results you want then you just throw away the results and do another study until you get the data you want. Insta-vestigator models this pretty well, I have to admit--in fact it just cuts to the chase and comes up with good results the first time. My beef is that even when your study works there are those times when a stuffy journal won't publish your paper. IV should give your money back if no-one publishes your paper."
A new solution to Dr. Yemmeltrip's dilemma is about to be launched. The Filed Letters of the Acadamy of Truth in the United States (FLATUS), a new academic journal, will be launched in June of 2009. It's publisher, Uberdata, is very excited to have control over the complete pipeline of knowledge dissemination.
"With the launch of FLATUS we anticipate the start of a new era," said Dr. Yemmeltrip. "Any paper written by an Insta-vestigator user will have a guaranteed place to publish their paper. I believe Nostradamus said that 'those in doubt are doomed to die a miserable, painfual and odiferous death in 2012'. I say that 'if you can't find Truth make your own.' "
These are exciting times in the land of Objective Truth. Don't be surprised if your teenager comes to you with a paper on why marijuana increases your intelligence. If cows could fly?
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