New Therapy Announced

by Hughe Staffwriter

RM789 may be just the answer to a disease, according to researchers at the University of Wall Street.

"Now we just need to find the disease it works for," said Dr. Stanley Forsythe, principle investigator of the team.

Chemical warehousing has been a common practice in the pharmaceutical industry for years. Drugs are discovered, modified and shelved for potential future use. Researchers inside and outside of industry work often by trial and error to match a drug with a desired effect. However, RM789 marks entry into a new era.

"We will be using the FDA's new turbo-Track pathway to get RM789 approved before we know what it's for," said Dr. Forsythe. "You might call it a make-it-up-as-you-go strategy."

"We all know that ads highlight aspects of a drug that in no way resemble real outcomes," commented Sally Veritas, Roach Pharmaceuticals' Chief of Marketing. "Fluttering butterflies, dancing virile couples, spiral staircases from heaven down to earth. It's all about feeling good. The truth about health is depressing and boring: we all die and not much really changes that fact. We sell the idea of better health."

RM789 will be released in May under the trade name, Panacean. The advertising campaign will feature a talking goat. "Geicho has their gecko," said Ms. Veritas, "we'll have our goat."

There is no shortage of critics of the release of RM789. "The name Panacean is stupid," said Dr. Yolanda Finkelstein of Roach Pharmaceuticals. "I have opposed it from the beginning. Would they listen? No. Sally Veritas is an idiot and should be fired. The goat is cute though!"

When asked about the lack of indications for the drug, Dr. Finkelstein replied, "that's no big deal. Just like Neurontin, we'll come up with some eventually. The important thing is being first to market."