Medical Home

by Hughe Staffwriter

Good news. One kind of real estate is about to boom.

If doctors at Orwellian Medical Homes (OMH), one of many up-and-coming real estate companies devoted to the new and promising Medical Home industry, have there way we are all about to have a new option in buying a home.

"You're sick," observed Dr. Winston Smith, the founder of OMH as he greeted this writer. "Everybody is sick whether they realize it or not. Thankfully, you have a better option than just seeing your doctor regularly. He can see you...and all the time."

Dr. Smith left his position as Medical Director at Better Blissful Gardens on the Hill, a nursing home in Rochester, NY, to start OMH in 2007. He is entering fertile ground. According to the National Medical Home Society of North America But Not Missouri (NMHSNABNM), there are 0.00004 Medical Homes per second being sold or built in America today.

"The wave is huge," said Dr. Charles Yale, co-founder of OMH with Dr. Smith. "This is one trend in health care I will not be behind of. I'm behind it and in front of it."

Due to the seriously fragmented health care system the Medical Home concept was bound to enter the stage. The latest figures of nearly 17% of GDP being spent on health care coupled with the realization that other nations have similar clinical outcomes with half of the expense has jolted at least some to act.

"There is a way better way," touts Dr. Yale. "And I for one, of many mind you, am of one mind, of which I am blessed with a highly developed, or rather, evolved specimen, with many regarding, and concerning, or rather, as it pertains partially, if not fully to this concept," clarified Dr. Smith.

The typical Medical Home consists of four walls, one door, no windows, one mattress, one toilet, one sink, a surveillance system and a few extra optional items that include: a refrigerator, a stove and blankets.

"Safety [is the key to good health]," said Dr. Yale. "[For example], furniture is a huge risk [for falling]. Our research [has shown a 10-fold reduction in hip fractures after all furniture is removed]."

The same goes for rugs, wall decorations, plants, and just about anything with a cord.

"[In the Medical Home world we call cords], 'cords of death'," said Dr. Yale. The researcher explains that some new Medical Home builds don't even have electricity. "In moderate climates...we can allow [residents]...freedom [from energy bills.]"

The mainstay of the Medical Home is the close and centralized monitoring of the patient. The multidimensional surveillance system tracks everything from heart rate to bowel movement frequency.

"If you install your mother in one of our OMH homes we will guarantee you a monthly report of fall rates, flatus volumes, diaper changes and emesis occurences, " detailed Sam Jiloperon, Lead Technologist at OMH.

"I can finally sleep at night," said Sally Moonchowsen, who recently installed her mother into a new OMH home. She chose Safe Gardens, a new OMH settlement located in Gunner Creek, Ohio. "I am never bothered by calls from nurses or my mother about falls," she proudly exclaimed. "In fact, I never have to see her anymore at all. It's all in the OMH status summaries."

"Please, please, please..." politely responded inmate Vera, Sally's mother and resident of Safe Gardens. She appeared to be very animated and eager to speak but could not quite get the words out. She was safely re-installed after her risky few seconds of 'outworld' exposure, as it is referred to in the Medical Home world.

"[Infections are the greatest risk to ] mankind," said Dr. Smith. "[We guarantee you will be] safe [by virtually eliminating the need to go outside.]"

Even though this exciting wave of future living has only recently hit the ground running there are innovations already being made. At Safe Gardens, for example, several home types can be selected. Accordingly, the more elaborate, the more expensive.

The homes on Wide River Run in the Safe Gardens settlement, for example, include a new patient-assistance device called Coloflow, a permentantly insterted rectal tube that prevents constipation by providing a permenantly running colonic lavage system.

"It's like a turbo enema," described Sally in layman's terms when describing Coloflow. "My mother's bowel stats are perfect," she went on to say.

Pancare 1000 units adorn the most expensive units. These sophisticated medical devices induce sustained sleep, keep the patient alive with a breathing assistance device and provide nutrion via a surgically implanted gastric nutritional supplementation device. To top it off the inmate has a state-of-the-art cardiorespiratory monitoring device that wirelessly sends critical data about the patient's vital signs to a central unit at OMH headquarters. OMH employs triple board certified specialists to remotely manage these systems.

"The up direction is very steeply upward," said Dr. Smith. "We have a few, among many, ideas, for which I can, and do, take much, rather, all, of the main body of credit for (sic!)."

"Balderdash," exclaimed critic Dr. Raymond Tolouse V, of Jack Hopcins University. "The Medical Home is being hijacked by outfits like OMH."

There are many in the Medical Home field that feel current trends are concerning.

"OMH is discriminating against its inmates," said Dr. Tolouse V. "They are rationing care."

Many such critics argue that the OMH direction is creating a multi-tiered market place for Medical Homes. These critics claim that developments such as the Pancare 1000 should be open to all residents.

"[Look, we have to cover our costs]," replied Dr. Yale to these critiques. "Eventually, [Medicare] will [likely see the benefit of what we are doing] especially [given the pay-for-performace atmosphere these days]."

"If you want good patient outcomes, as a physician, you'll want all of your patients in a Medical Home," a confident Dr. Smith claimed.

One thing is for sure, Medical Homes are here to stay. It probably won't be long before your HMO and OMH will be compatible and not just anagrams.